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[title]Some friends are like a carton of milk; they have an expiration date. So for those in our life only for a fleeting season, turn towards comedian Prue Blake’s guide on the six best places in Melbourne to hit ctrl-alt-delete on a friendship.
The one where you break-up over coffee
When it comes to breaking up ‘traditionally’, you can’t go wrong with a quick coffee, and luckily, Melbourne is packed to the rafters with some of the best cafés in the world. Wait until your friend offers to pay and says, “you can get the next one.” Hit them with a “how about I pay, and then we don’t have to meet again for another" and strut out of that café with a renewed sense of lightness like Nicole Kidman after her divorce from Tom Cruise.
The one where you go for a walk in the rain
For the friend about as unreliable as the Melbourne forecast, why not wait for a miserably torrential day and go for a stroll with them along the St Kilda foreshore? Walk in the rain and suggest you seek immediate shelter before hitting them with a “we’ll cover more ground if we split up.” Take that as your cue to run for cover and never see them again.
The one where you head to the NGV
Do you have a friend who seems to be more interested in Instagramming than talking whenever you meet up? For those wannabe influencers, suggest going to the NGV (they’ll want the content). Head to the Alexander McQueen exhibition and let them snap away before asking if they want to hear a joke. They will no doubt say yes and use this as your moment to reply tersely with “our friendship” before legging it.
The one where you go and see some street art
Melbourne is world-famous for its street art, making for the perfect backdrop for a friendship break-up. Grab some spray paint and head to one of the laneways to write your friend's name above a trash can. Make sure to sign your name too before making a new life for yourself in Timbuktu.
The one where you head to Edinburgh Gardens
Ah, is there anything worse than unrequited love? If you find yourself in a situation where you’re secretly in love with a friend already taken, this self-sabotage break-up should do the trick. Head to Edinburgh Gardens and pack a picnic basket filled with treats and notes confessing your feelings. Drop a pin and send a location to your friend before bolting to the safety of the Bargoonga Nganjin Library. Watch the friend take all the sweets and not chase on after you. It’ll be so mortifying you’ll never see them again – out of sight, out of mind.
The one where you come to my show
If none of these options work, you can always book tickets to my upcoming Melbourne International Comedy Festival show Unfriended, which is all about the pain and relief of breaking up with a friend. Bring your friends – and foes – and catch it at Melbourne Town Hall from March 30-April 23.