Oh, you don't like crowded trains? Neither does anyone. But we're all in this together.
It should be pretty obvious by now that we love Melbourne. We love its restaurants, its bars, its fun things to do. We love the parks and gardens, the beautiful buildings, the theatres and the cultural institutions.
But damn, if we don't get irrationally angry at our gorgeous city sometimes. These things might be small, but they fill us with a disproportionate amount of rage.
1. People who walk too slowly (ie everyone) on Swanston or Elizabeth Street.
2. Pedestrians who stop with no warning to take a selfie, check the map or do God knows what on their phone. There's a flow here; if you need to stop, duck into a doorway.
3. City Loop trains that announce at Richmond that nah, they're just going to go directly to Flinders Street.
4. Passengers who won't get off the train to let others disembark. You'll be able to get back on, mate, we promise.
5. Passengers who won't move down a train carriage. We get it, crowded trains are uncomfortable, but it's an efficient way of moving a bunch of people at once.
6. Touching on on a tram and discovering your Myki is in the negative. Now you're stuck, since there's no way to top up your card on the moving tram, and ticket inspectors could be anywhere.
7. Being stuck behind an interstate driver who can't do a hook turn at a hook turn intersection.
8. Cars that go halfway through an intersection and get stuck, thus blocking traffic from all directions.
9. Cars that get stuck turning on the tram tracks, thus inviting the "ding ding DING DINGDINGDINGDING!" of tram driver rage.
10. Getting the wrong coffee order. No, a latte is not the same as a flat white.
11. Train. Replacement. Buses.
12. Having to cross the river if you're a northsider, or having to cross Victoria Parade if you're south and proud.
13. People who put their stuff on chairs, train seats or any other piece of public infrastructure. Now we have to ask if we can sit there, give you a greasy, and it's a whole thing.
14. Queuing for ages and then discovering whatever you were queueing for is not that great (unlike these places!).
15. A table full of people with difficult and ever-changing dietary requirements.
16. Realising the Bourke Street or Collins Street address you're looking for is in Docklands.
17. Cafés, bars or restaurants without phone numbers. How can you change your booking, say you'll be late, or inquire about requirements?
18. Trams without airconditioning in the summer.
19. Giant holes all over the city. Like all over.
20. The Collins Street hill from Swanston to Russell. Sometimes there's just no way to avoid it.
21. Realising you need something from Queen Vic Market on a Wednesday.