London on a budget: 50 fun things to do for £5 or less

Being an RAF pilot seems like a cool job. You get to fly very fast and loop-the-loop in front of royals. But it also seems like a lot of work, you know? And the danger bit isn’t great. Luckily, the Science Museum’s new Typhoon Force simulator let’s you feel like you’re flying a jet with zero effort. You’ll soar in formation over pretty North Wales, then descend from 40,000 feet. KL

Science Museum. South Kensington. £4.

Sure, the London Aquarium is ever so big and has a shark pool, but the Horniman’s more modest space can take you on an equally magical journey through the rivers and oceans of the world, from British ponds to Fijian coral reefs. AH

Horniman Museum. Forest Hill Overground. Museum entry free. Aquarium £4.50, £2.50 children.

London’s very own cable car is a quixotic rival to the more pedestrian ways of getting around by walking, bussing and tubing. It offers views over the Thames from inside a gently swinging gondola (dispel any lingering motion sickness by exploring Greenwich’s fascinating, fast-changing docklands). AS

Emirates Air Line, between Greenwich Peninsula and Royal Victoria Docks. North Greenwich. £3.50.

Glimpse medieval times at the Tower of London’s Ceremony of the Keys. Each night, the Yeomen Warders enact a 700-year-old key-swapping ritual as they lock up for the night. Online booking is essential (if not very medieval). AS

Tower of London. Tower Hill. Free.

This city’s greatest alumni are buried in the morbid marvel that is Highgate Cemetery. In the East Cemetery, seek out the graves of Claudia Jones, mother of Notting Hill Carnival, and painter Patrick Caulfield, who designed his own headstone, spelling out the word ‘dead’. Does exactly what it says on the plinth. AS

Highgate Cemetery. m Archway. East Cemetery £4 entry.

On the first Wednesday of every month, visitors can see the 40,000-sq ft Baroque murals covering Greenwich’s Painted Hall for free. ‘Britain’s Sistine Chapel’ was painted more than 300 years ago and has just undergone a two-year restoration, so it’s looking fresh. KL

Old Royal Naval College. Cutty Sark DLR. Free on the first Wednesday of each month, £12 otherwise.

Get the lift to the top of the Walkie Talkie and you’ll emerge in a garden with sublime views of London. Spot Tower Bridge, The Shard, Wembley Stadium and more. Or kick back among the ferns and succulents that lushly carpet its floors. AS

Sky Garden. Monument. Free.

The watery arteries that run through London are equally full of discarded shopping trollies and fascinating stories. Discover the latter at the London Canal Museum, which is packed with artefacts from the waterways’ heyday. It even has its own dock so you can explore some narrowboats up close. AS

London Canal Museum. King’s Cross. £5.

Boating excursions are a romcom staple for a reason: floating, swan-like, above birdshit-filled water is extremely romantic. Take a date on a pedalo ride in Crystal Palace Park for a peek at the dinosaurs, in Dulwich Park to circumnavigate a secret island or in Greenwich Park to see geese galore. AS

Dulwich Park. West Dulwich rail. From Easter. £4.

Greenwich Park. Maze Hill rail. From Easter. £4.

Crystal Palace Park. Crystal Palace Overground. From Easter. £5.

Greenwich’s Fan Museum, housed in a pair of Grade II-listed Georgian houses, is a fan-tastic tribute to the noblewoman’s most essential accessory. The collection includes a fan painted by artist Paul Gauguin, glam numbers from the ’20s and even concertina-ed retro adverts. AS

The Fan Museum. Cutty Sark DLR. Closed until Feb 1. £5.

This sticky-carpeted paradise of Rowans is all about revisiting simple pleasures: playing arcade games, dancing to tinny R&B and getting brainfreeze from a neon slushie (it comes in many flavours – they all taste identical, and great), although if you want to bowl you’ll have to shell out a bit more than a fiver. AS

Rowans. Finsbury Park. £1-£3 entry, £2.30 slushie.

Are there any Londoners hardier than the winter swimming crowd at Hampstead Heath Ponds? These bargain-hunting tough nuts get their thrills and chills for just £2, which allows access for a whole day. Sack off the gym pool and join them, if you dare. AH

Hampstead Heath Bathing Ponds. Hampstead Heath Overground. £2.

Are you a mufficionado or a nookie rookie? Find out at the Vagina Museum’s anatomy-based Pub(e) Quiz, which will challenge your vulva know-how. Keep the fanny-tastic fun flowing at the institution’s regular Bajingo Bingo nights. AS

Vagina Museum. Camden Town. Next Pub(e) Quiz Feb 10. Next Bajingo Bingo Mon Jan 20. £3.

Named with commendable straightforwardness, the Monument is one of London’s OG tourist attractions. This 61-metre stone pillar memorialises the Great Fire of London and was built a few years after the 1666 disaster. Send your step-counter into overdrive by corkscrewing your way up the spiral staircase inside. AS

The Monument. Monument. £5.00

Come nose to nose with the most soulful of animals at Vauxhall City Farm, which allows you to feed its goats. Fred, Barney and their friends will submit to a pat in exchange for a generous handful of grass nuts from the farm’s feed dispenser. AS

Vauxhall City Farm. Vauxhall. Free entry, donations welcome.

Don’t let tourists hog the Santander bikes. Those ruby numbers are your ticket to a whole load of adventure. A day’s bike hire plus 30 minutes’ ride time costs just £2 (every extra 30 minutes is another couple of quid). That means for less than a fiver you could spend an hour cycling along the Thames from Battersea Park or spinning through the birthplace of GMT itself in Greenwich. AH

Various locations. £4 for bike rental and an hour’s ride.

Regent’s Canal offers loads to look at: start with the cybergoths of Camden Market then head west to get a peek at London Zoo’s wild dogs, which live in a canalside enclosure. Enjoy watching them wolfing down hunks of meat suspended on a zipline by wily zookeepers. AS

Regent’s Canal. Camden Rd Overground. Free.

Why pay a small fortune to watch Chelsea men’s team kick a ball around, when you can see its women’s squad play at their ground in Kingston from just three quid? Sure, the Kingsmeadow stadium’s less fancy than Stamford Bridge but you can grab a bacon-and-sausage bap from neighbouring Fat Boys Cafe for a mere £2.90 to enhance your experience. Glory fans might prefer to splash out £7 to watch top-of-the-league Arsenal’s home games. Or do both. KL

Kingsmeadow. New Malden rail. From £3.

With a name that would make JRR Tolkien sit up and take notice, Severndroog Castle in deepest south London is a lofty folly built by an eighteenth-century lady as a memorial to her husband. Visit for panoramic views of the capital, ancient woodland and general spooky chills. KL

Severndroog Castle. Falconwood rail. Saturdays and Sundays. £3.50.

Say ‘namaste’ to affordable yoga at one of DIY Space’s pay-what-you-can vinyasa flow yoga classes. There’s no booking, just turn up, bring your own mat and we’ll see you in Shavasana. AH

DIY Space for London. 96-108 Ormside St. South Bermondsey rail. Membership £2.

Holborn alternative art den Novelty Automation is full of mechanical weirdness putting a DIY spin on traditional seaside arcades. Grab a fistful of tokens and try your hand at ‘Is It Art?’, which will cast an expert (robotic) eye over your creations, or learn quantum physics with the ‘Small Hadron Collider’. AS

Novelty Automation. Holborn. £3.50 for five tokens.

Desperate for a dance? CLF Art Cafe stalwart The South London Soul Train is a surefire spot for big-time boogying, with playlists packed with rare disco vinyl and extremely funky soul. Get there early for blinding live sets from artists from around the world. Arrive post-3am to hang out with mainly shitfaced Goldsmiths students. Win-win. KL

CLF Art Cafe, Bussey Building. Peckham Rye Overground. Early bird tickets £5 (more on the door).